A Land of Pure Emptiness


*Trilha sonora do post: Asleep - The Smiths*


I can't help thinking why loneliness has such a powerful force over me. I stumbled upon the fact that is so much easier to be alone and isolated from everybody else than to face them. A part of me doesn't really enjoy to go out of my imaginary bubble, and the other half of me keeps saying that I deserve to be completely alone and non-loved.

There is this voice who convinced me, along the years, that there's nothing in me to be loved. I grew up struggling with the emptiness and sadness and, sometimes, I'm not strong enough to fight them - and they win.

As I don't think of myself as a person to be loved, I have a thought that it's better to leave from here. Just go away from everything and offer to people who I really care space and distance. In the loneliness, I have nothing to lose, nobody to disappoint, no desire to frustrate. I know when I'll cry and how to handle the levels of my sickness. 

Loneliness it's like a comfort zone, my old teenager bedroom.
Loneliness is a void, without nothing that fits in.

But it's also painful and very, very grey.Cold. Boring. It's like to be locked up in a prision with your worts enemy and you have to face it every singe minute. I want to open myself for th world - oh, I really do. I want to feel the warmthof the sun, the light, the stars at the sky. Be trully happy. I just don't think I can.

I just don't think I deserve.

I can't see what I have of positive or special.

I feel that I have something wrong sice I was a little child. I always had this feeling I was living in such an specific world and no one else understood my feelings, thoughts or opinions. My world isn't accessible: I'm an island.

And everybody drowns.
Including me.

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